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Original Podcast Performance

("Tom" in the side call outs refers to Tom Walker)

A girlfriend is more than a friend who's a girl.
Ice cream sundae with a caramel swirl.
An oyster, no oyster, just a shelf full of pearls. She doesn't live on Mars but she's out of this world.
(Put your hands in the air if you want to be my girlfriend!
Wow, everyone's hands are in the air!
This song goes for 45 minutes!)
[Tom, are you done?]
I've got so many girlfriends, I can't stop at one. [Tom, that's enough!]
Did Cupid trade his arrow for a machine gun? [TOM! TOM!]
You're the big stripe on an iced cinnamon bun, [TOM!]
WHOA, uh...

What follows is a list
of things that are a girlfriend.
A girl can be a girlfriend.
An elf can be a girlfriend,
an orc can be a girlfriend,
a.. a basketball can be a girlfriend?
Alright, second verse, same as the first! [TOM!]
A girlfriend is more than a friend who's a girl.
Ice cream sundae with a caramel swirl...
Now to go on stage and do my actual concert!

Patreon Radio Edit

A girlfriend is more than a friend who's a girl.
Ice cream sundae with a caramel swirl.
An oyster, no oyster, just a shelf full of pearls.
She doesn't live on Mars but she's out of this world.

Yea, let's get crazy tonight 'cos this song goes for 45 minutes!

I've got so many girlfriends, I can't stop at one.
Did Cupid trade his arrow for a machine gun?
You're the big stripe of icing on my cinnamon bun,
All of my girlfriends set their faces to stun!

Yea, that's it! 'Cos they're stunning!

Alright everybody, good news! What follows is a list of things that can be girlfriends!
A girl can be a girlfriend, sure, we all know about that. But did you know..
An elf can be a girlfriend,
An orc can be a girlfriend,
A troll can be a girlfriend,
A dragon can be a girlfriend,
A hell can be a girlfriend,
A heaven can be a girlfriend,
A little piece of sand can be a girlfriend.
A boy can be your girlfriend,
A man can be a girlfriend,
A big man can be a girlfriend,
A little man can be a girlfriend,
A man's hand, that's a girlfriend.
I love all my girlfriends.
Little woman, that's a girlfriend.
This song can be a girlfriend.
The moon can be a girlfriend.
It controls the tides, it's my girlfriend.
Oh, yes, the dream is a girlfriend,
an elf's a girlfriend, a willow - a girlfriend,
aw, Willow Smith? That's my girlfriend,
She died centuries ago, she's a girlfriend,
Oh, wait, no she didn't, it's 2075.
It is girlfriend time.
Oh, yes, what can be a girlfriend?
A folding chair..

A variant version appears at the end of The Drunk One.

Patreon 42 minute extended version

... you're kidding, right?